02 | “The Grinch”

Posted by Andersen Richards

January 12, 2016

I spent a lot of time thinking about the Grinch this Christmas. You know, they have three psychotic reasons why the Grinch was the way he was.

First was that his head wasn’t screwed on just right, which basically means if people don’t like you, it’s because you’re malfunctioning. Everyone else is so fucking incredible. If they don’t like you, it must be your fault.

Then there’s that his shoes were too tight. Because if you’re different than everyone else, it must be because you’re miserable. You certainly couldn’t be miserable simply because everyone hates you.

The last reason is that his heart is too small. In other words, the Grinch was just born unlikable.

No one ever stops to say, “maybe it was because we wrote a song about how much we hate the guy and we play all month once a year?” No one ever says, “man, it’s that brutal, awful song we play every year that drove him into the mountains where he can still get a radio signal and hear about how much we utterly loathe that sea sick crocodile.”

No. It’s Grinch’s fault. Not those miserable Who’s.

There’s an “incentive”, which is a polite word for bounty, to anyone who brings me in to “discover what makes me different” from all these people who are getting sick. Which is a polite phrase for “turn him into a guinea pig”. Which may also be a swing at Italians, I don’t know.

People who were supposed to be my friends ask me why I don’t turn myself in. I have been trying to rationalize everything, remind myself they don’t… appreciate… if I turn myself in I’ll never come back. My life won’t belong to me anymore.

It’s not like they’re going to take a small sample, pat me on the bottom and give me a lolly. I checked already. Life just doesn’t work like that way, I guess.

In case it slipped your mind, they’re after my blood. Who? Scientists? Pharmaceutical… whatever? Someone’s paying the money for the bounty so it’s not the guy at the DQ. I checked already.

Even if they were offering a lolly and a butt-pat, haven’t I already gone through enough?

Rob, that psychopath… that idiot… attacked me, tore off my clothes. I don’t care what he was suffering from or what happened to him after. There’s no redeeming value in any of this for me.

People think the Grinch was a bad guy. But I think maybe that’s what made him bad to begin. What was he running from was he running from when he moved up to those mountains? People like Rob or those idiotic Who’s?

He bit my nipple off and ate it.

Rob, not the Grinch.

Have you forgotten the first time you saw #EatADick trending?

Published by Patrick Healy

Writer. Artist. Menace.

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